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BLOGWORDS – 19 June 2017 – NEW WEEK NEW FACE – NEW ME POST – LOOKING GLASS LIES and SHAMING

NEW WEEK NEW FACE – NEW ME POST – LOOKING GLASS LIES and SHAMING

 

 

“That’s nice but you can do better.” The standard of perfection. And the voice that haunts me to this day.

 

Oh, I’ve learned that perfection is an impossible task master, cruel and demanding more, ever more. I’ve learned that no matter I give 100% it’s never enough for a standard of perfection.

 

Never enough… Not good enough. And I believed it. As a child, as a young woman, wife, and mother. As me. I. was. not. good. enough.

 

A failure.

 

I don’t like to point a finger or lay blame (because truly, the source is the father of all… LIES.) I’m an empath and see the why of another person’s faults, including my mother. For all her good intentions (push me to do better) she shoved me in a box I didn’t belong in: her standard of success. (weeping as I type)

 

I tried, oh! I tried. Tried to measure up. Tried to be… what she wanted me to be. I tried to be what she wanted to be—but never had the chance.

 

That’s nice but you can do better translated into everything I did fell short, everything I did wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough.

 

I wasn’t good enough as a daughter. I wasn’t good enough practicing piano. Wasn’t good enough as a student, wife, mother, friend… person.

 

And of course, I didn’t look right, either. My hair was too long, my clothes were “dowdy,” and of course, I knew I weighed too much. No matter I’m tall and my height camouflaged my “fat,” I was always thought I should be thinner. No anorexia or bulimia, but I was never satisfied… with me.

 

And I didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be ANYBODY else but me. I hid behind faces, and although I never split off, not completely, I totally get the phenomenon of multiple personalities. (incidentally, me being an actress? ON STAGE in front of dozens of people??? Sure, because it wasn’t me they saw. It was Dr. Armstrong and Anne Frank’s mother and Aunt Eller… I was another person.)

 

My journey? Accepting me. And twenty-two years ago, when I asked God why my life was so far removed from his promises, He said, “Sit down. This is gonna take a while.” And it did. Counseling, a couple of years on Zoloft, unlearning and relearning. Uprooting the lies, lies that kept coming back like stinging nettles. So subtle, barely a brush past a leaf and it burns. No mark, no trace of anything. Just the burning.

Lies do that. So subtle, barely a whispered hint from a comment unaware and it burns. Spirals you down to the mire again.

 

The cure? There’s only one that’s lasting, only one that truly has the power to uproot those lies. And that’s the Word of God.

 

I remember vividly a counseling session with a pastor friend. The lies were so embedded in my mind, in every fiber of my being. Lies spoken through my mother’s voice. Mother. The one who is supposed to nurture us. The one voice we instinctively trust.

 

Pastor Stan held his hands out in front of me, cupped as though he was holding a grapefruit in each hand. “The Word of God,” he said, and placed one hand over the other. Then he switched them. “Your mother’s words.” He quickly reversed them again, “The Word of God.” Back and forth he went a few times. His illustration drove home the idea—the truth—that the lies, what I had perceived for nearly forty years as truth, was not the final word. Only God’s Word is the final word.

 

Is it easy? Hell to the no. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Have I “arrived?” No. Won’t happen in this life time. But I can say I’m me now. I’m not a new person. I’m the woman God created me to be. I’m happy, I’m confident.

 

And yes, I’m beautiful.

 


 

THE OFFICIAL BIO

I’ve always had voices—er, stories in my head. I once said I should write them all down so someone could write them someday. I had no idea at the time that someone was me!

 

I have been writing since 1995, and began working in earnest on my debut novel, Tessa in 2013.  Meanwhile, I cranked out a few dozen poems, made countless notes for story ideas, and earned my BFA in Interior Design.  I lived with depression for many years, and the inherent feelings of worthlessness and invisibility; I didn’t want to be who I was and struggled with my own identity for many years.  My characters face many of these same demons.

 

I write stories of identity conflict. My characters encounter situations that force the question, “Who am I really?” For all who have ever wondered who you are or why you’re here, my stories will touch you in a very real—maybe too real—and a very deep way. I know, I write from experience.

 

I have three novels published, the unsavory heritage series. Tessa, Clara Bess, and Cissy are available on Amazon, both for Kindle and in print. I also have several poems included in an anthology, Where Dreams and Visions Live (Anthologies of the Heart Book 1) by Mary Blowers, as well as a short story, Sarafina’s Light, also in an anthology, Blood Moon, compiled by Mary Blowers. I am currently working on The Tilting Leaves of Autumn, Book Two in my new series, Seasons. It releases in November, following The Long Shadows of Summer, which releases in August. Books 3 and 4 in the series will be out in 2018.

 

http://robinemason.com

https://robinsnest212.wordpress.com/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Robin-E-Mason-Author-Artist/224223274404877
http://www.amazon.com/Robin-E.-Mason/e/B00MR5IQ9S
https://twitter.com/amythyst212
http://www.pinterest.com/amythyst212/

https://plus.google.com/u/0/108929134414473292325

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7808042.Robin_E_Mason

 

#Blogwords, New Week New Fact, #NWNF, Guest Post, New Me Post, Robin E. Mason, Looking Glass Lies Feature

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